Ramblings....

It's late. I should be sleeping - everyone else is. Second night in row of the "can't sleep because I'm alone and left to my own thoughts."

I must admit that I am struggling. How and why? Could it be the "post-partum blues" that my mom, so perceptively asked of? Sort of....for starters, I want to come home. Not just because I like ice or salad or my own washing machine (though I do!). No what I mean is I'm out of the "comfort zone", away from so much of what I (wrongly) rely upon...family and friends and their godly fellowship and encouragement; our home and the comfort of it; a real schedule...even if it is a hectic one, it is "real life" for us; my country, with people who speak my language...that is a comfort. You see, I realize that so often I rely upon those things and other means of grace that I neglect the Source of grace.

Plus, I am fearful of this change of environment, of situation, of life. I "knew" what we were in for with adding to our family by adoption, but I had not experienced it. God is truly using this to stretch me, and I feel like my muscles aren't warm and pliable, but cold, tense and resistant. I am really wanting a "normal" life and I'm battling a selfishness and I fear that my spirit of self-focus is wearing on me, and probably my family. Would you pray for me?

I am truly wanting God to change my heart, to make me more grateful for the moment, to make me content with my situation, to not be disillusioned because reality has hit. Please don't get me wrong....I am grateful for our new daughter, grateful to be here to experience the culture and land of her birth, but I am weary. I am trying to "bond" with her, but find it hard (I hope that doesn't sound awful....I love her, but I'm trying to get to know her...God will grow my affections for her as I look to Him....I know, but I must rely upon Him for that.) I am also struggling with fear...for the future, for tomorrow. My thoughts are not as lucid as my husband's are....His letters say things so well, so forgive me please, if I am not clear, however, would you just pray that the Holy Spirit would minister to me through whatever means of grace He desires...that He would work a miracle in my heart and turn my selfish heart toward Him and that my goal and purpose would be glorfying Christ.

Maybe these consuming thoughts have kept me from blogging to share our life here. I must say that it's not all grim. We have had some wonderful moments (and others not-so). Yesterday we went to the medical examination for adoptive children. Emmy Xiang has begun to express herself more and more (and many times it is quite the negative expression. This is HARD...we must be firm and yet, speak gentle words of encouragement on correct responses. So hard when she doesn't speak the language....we are trying to discern what she understands and what is unclear. This takes MUCH patience and wisdom....pray for us, please....and for a compliant spirit with her). EX was examined by a doctor who called in doctor after doctor to read over her file and look at her. They seemed quite surprised that this healthy child had been labled as a special needs child. ""She's not delayed at all, said the sweet doctor."She's completely normal!" Of course, we knew that~in fact, once you meet her, you'll realize how incredibly smart she is! We did get the best picture of her while we were waiting for the appointment.....it showed her, shall we call it the "not-so-happy-in-fact-quite-ticked-off" face. It was NOT a fun moment, but the picture says it all....Jim will post it soon. That night we went to dinner with another family with three older children who were adopting their fourth (a baby girl). We enjoyed the time with them.

Also, Emmy Xiang continally grows in the ability to communicate and understand us. She doesn't respond much in English (though she has a few times....surprised us!), she does use signs regularly for "more food please" and "thank you", for general "please". She points occassionally (though with that finger that most Americans might find offensive!), and she understands much of what we say. This is a great praise. She even responds quickly to our gentle reprimands when she begins to (sometimes out of nowhere it seems) pitch a fit. She may not stop right away (no, many times it takes time and great patience, something we recognize only as God's grace!), but she does seem to realize that we are not going anywhere, but that we won't tolerate fits. Keep praying about this....it will be a LONG time and require much perserverance on our part an patience on hers as she learns what is expected. May we use these times to point her to her need of a Savior, and may we then introduce Jesus.

The Elf has not been well today, so we hung out together and opted out of the tour of a Buddhist temple, the Old Chen House and a Provencial Arts and Crafts market. That time was sweet for us. I am so blessed to have a daughter who can speak the Truth to her mom, as I read what was really an encouraging response to a personal plea for prayer and was weepy. I felt like the child, not the mom, but I was so blessed and encouraged....(thanks, sweetie). When the kids and Jim came back, we enjoyed some Papa John's in the hotel and then most of us napped. Our day was slow and we are planning to not go to the Pearl Market tour tomorrow to have some family time with no agenda. I am looking forward to that.

I believe this post has been a source of release for me. Thank you for reading, for "listening." I miss you, dear friends and family. Thank you for being a part of this process. I am realizing how much greater than I could've ever imagined is this blessed event to which we've come. God has greater things than I in mind. I'm so grateful He's sovereign. That is reassuring for a girl who feels vulnerable and out of the comfort zone. HE is my comfort zone. I am even now, reminded of that great truth.